Justs thoughts, rants, jokes, poems, and anything else I can think of to type.
I love to hate her...... and yet, I love her!
Published on November 7, 2005 By Steven Peaple In Home & Family
My older sister....... what can I say other than perfect. But, let me give her a name first. Let's go with something beautiful and educated, let's go with Sam. Short for Samantha. And no that's not her real name. She knows who she is.
To tell you about her I have to tell you about me. Like all complicated relationships. I am jealous, envious, and a coward. Sam (still not her real name. Heh) is beautiful educated and so thoughtful. She's shy and well built. She's strong and got a memory.
She is the one to keep me together even if it was out of shear spite. She's got a great guy and a promiseing career.
She's got good fashion sence and she understands her version of good shoes. She keeps up with politics and she can write better and faster than I can talk. HEheee!
She is Perfect! In her own little flaws. What makes her perfect??? Oh that's a good question. We could mention her blond hair and bright green eyes. We could mention her wonderful "rack" and great self knowledge. We could mention that she's built like Marilyn Monroe and twice as beautiful.
But that's not what makes her perfect. It's that fact that she can not see any of this. It's that little tiny flaw that makes her soooo appealing to so many of both sexes (and not just sexually). Spiritually she has a grip on what she holds true. No matter what it is.
She can face anything. Even muggers and not think of anything other than the ones she loves. She's buff and burley. She's soft and gentle.
She knows that I have hurt her and been hurt around her. Because of my hurt I have shaken everything she has believed in and yet we don't get along. We haven't for years. And that's how I'm a coward. Someone with courage would be able to speak this truth out. Someone with courage would be able to pick up a damned phone.
We can't even be in the same state and not fight. Simple truth.
If you stuck us side by side you'd almost not tell we were sisters but you'd be wondering why we were standing together. I have blue eyes against her green and black and blue dreds against her blond hair. I'm slender to the point of stick figure and she...., well, she's one of the best "put together" women I have ever seen. Curves to last for days. I'm not even trying to imply she's fat because she's not. She's just hella more stacked than I am. I always prayed for boobs and hips like she's got. I'm sure that she's always prayed for my slight build. But that's human nature.
I'm trying to be polite in the way I describe her because I'm too blunt and saying those things about my sister makes me feel yucky! LOL! Let's just stick with the Beautiful comment. The best "50's Pin up" figure I've ever seen.
I am a budding tattoo artist and she belongs to universities and art groups. I like MGD and she likes a good bottle of wine. I've done "hard" drugs and lived on the street. She went to Europe on a back packing tour. I think ya'll are getting the idea.
Through all this I love her! We fight non stop and give my mother head aches. We almost never agree out of shear stubborness and I have a guilt. I'm not sure if I have ever mentioned my guilt before but tonight it's stinging.
There was a time I was 12. I got molested.....(well, I came out about being molested), by a family "friend". My parents called the cops and everything was a mess. My mother was crying, My father was shakeing. I went and told my sister the whole thing. Details and all. At 14 she had this dumped on her head. Being a very commited christian at the time she said "we should pray.". We did. All I could think about was that my sister, who I had fought with for soooo long was being "MY" sister. I was sooo happy! I know that's messed up but it's the little things that see us through the dark times. Even now, over ten years later writing about it, makes my smile and almost cry. "My" sister. I worshiped her. Like all siblings should. I was younger and she was soooooooo very much older. A whole two years.
I can not express what those words ment to me. I can not express what they still mean to me. They saved me. I'm not sure from what but they did.
Anyway, she felt so inadiquit that she only wanted to pray that she turned from God. It broke her. It pulled some innocence from her. That man succeded in damageing us both in ways that can not be expressed with words. But what do you do when you call on God and he's already let this happen??? I know now. You keep breathing. One day at a time. In out, in out. After time, it heals and then you mend.
Unfortunately, she got details that not even that cops got. At 14. From her "baby" sister. I would have turned too. I understand. But what do you do to lead the lost back? Can I say that I went through years of self inflicted hell and now have God back into my life you should too? Can I explain that I feel guilt for her prayers not being answered that night? I can barely say hello without baiting her for a fight.
I am an adult. In body at any rate. She's an adult. She has a good life. Still......, there's a guilt that nags. I gave her all my crap to deal with that night. I gave her all my sorrow. I gave her my soul and heart to hold onto until I could mend them. At 14. She had these things. NO WONDER she felt inadiquit. I would too. Hell, I'm 25 and still don't know how I would deal with such things.
When someone gives you something so special how do you decide it's time to give it back? When do you let them go? When they go into self inflicted pain?? When they go into drugs an sex like they're dying tomorrow? When do these things become your problem for so long you don't know how to give them back?
I have no answers for all these questions. I do have an answer to the thought and guilt at hand. If I jsut had the balls to pick up the phone and tell her "Give it back! I can take it now! I'm an adult and healing. I can take what you've carried for so long and be able to deal. I love you! And even though I know it doesn't cover it, Thank You! I had'nt realalized I needed these things until I "grew up". Come back. Please. Don't feel anymore pain. Don't feel anymore guilt. I am strong. It's my turn now. Let these things go. I have taken something away from you I can't replace but I understand. I am so jealous of you! You've held me up for so long. No more tears for you. I will keeps your tears like treasured diamonds. Just like you've kept mine."
But through all this, I'm a coward. I pick up the phone and stall. I call and talk of the "weather". I don't think she even reads my blogs. We haven't truely spoken of deep things in so long. Years and years. I know in my heart there will come a time when I will regret not telling her all the things I ment to say. But before that moment happens how do you know when that "right" time is? There's never enough hours in the day and it's so easy to put off. Except for hours when the night grows long and the tears start flowing. When your world is turned upside down and you need that extra moment to keep your heart together. When you're all alone and your heart can break with no one watching.
My older sister is perfect! There's not a person on this planet that can tell me diffrent and have me believe them. No matter how many fights we get in. She is my biggest enemy and greatest friend. She is my greatest fan and biggest critic. She is my hero and my goal to beat.
I once had a guy in bar tell me that my sister was the best person in my life because she could piss me off with one word. And that only the people that could do that really ment anything. To this day I hold that to be truth. Everyone truely important to me can piss me off in one little word.
I have to end this now with two things. The fact that I am still a coward and I know it. One I day I will grow balls and tell her. I just hope it's not "Too" late. And two: That I love her and she's held onto my "shit" for too long. It's time to let go and continue with life. Not just living.

Comments
on Nov 07, 2005
Wow.....and wow.

The only thing I can say is you have no more a guarantee on being alive tomorrow than the next person. Wouldn't you hate to die, or lose her and never tell her these things?

Invite her over, cook her dinner or order out, and spill it. If she's half the person you think, she'll be good to you.

Also, beauty is fleeting. But sisters are forever.....if you let them be.

Good luck.
on Nov 07, 2005
Thank you Tova for the responce! Part of writing the blog was hopeing to get it out there so that I can work up the courage to tell her. I hope to some day soon.