Always an issue, never a problem.
My weight has always been an issue for me. Not that I am fat, but that I think so. Even now when I know that I am trimming up and looking good. Half my clothing doesn't fit and yet, today I looked in the mirror and all I saw was a fat person. I know that it's my issue and lots of people tell me I am loseing too much weight. But when all you see is fat what do you do?
My worst fear ever since I was a child was to be fat. Not kinda chunky, I've been there, but truely fat. It terrifies me and I do everything, including, at one time, takeing diet pills, and being balinmic. I learned my lesson and am working out and trying to eat right this time but it's still hard. The worst part about it is that the more junk I eat the less guilty I feel. I can wolf down a Big Mac at Macdonalds in minutes and still feel okay about myself. Until the next day and I know for a fact that i can see the fat and pounds that I have added.
Lately I have been standing in front of my mirror every morning, repeating to myself, "You are thin, you are thin." It has yet to help but I will keep trying. I need to keep trying.
Most people are this way out of poor self esteem or something. Mine is not like that. I have great self esteem and self respect. I could give a rats ass what society says about it all and never have looked up to many movie stars or models. Well, unless they were male. Yea, sometimes I look at a girl or woman and say "Man she looks good. I want to look like that.". But it's not about envy. I have thought about this long a hard.
I can right now, wear a 6 with no issue and most of the time get into a 5. Most of my friends want to hit me because at 25 very few normal people look as good as I do. And I've had kids.
I can't talk about this to many people because most of the people I hang with have wieght issues. They would prolly hit me if I tried to bring it up. How do you explain that all you see is a fat person when looking in the mirror, evenj though in your head you know better??? How do you explain that you know this is an issue and want to deal with it because it must be unhealthy but you can't figure out where the unhealthy thing is that leads you to this.
If you ever saw me eat you would know that that is never an issue. I LOVE food!!!! I love food in the way most people love money. You'd never know it to look at me though. And no, I don't go and throw it up. I jsut see fat the next day. I can see every bulge, every peice of celulite, every roll. Yes, I see rolls.
I have put on clothing I haven't been able to wear in years and had it fall off or have to wear a belt with it. I know that I am slim. I know it in my head but my heart is having issues with it.
My family and friends tell me how good I look and how much wieght I have lost. They let me know that they are beginning to be worried about me now. All are supportive and wonderful. And still I get thinner and feel fatter. There really must be something here I am missing. I've worked too hard in my life on too many things. I have come to far for this to stop me.
I'm usually pretty in touch with the way I feel. I can tell you my own mind and have had cousilling and therapy before so i know how to think about things. I can't figure out what this horrible fear is based on and am having a horrible time knowing that if I don't get this worked out soon I may just cause myself harm out of my never ending goal to be thin.
"Fear is the mind killer, I will let it pass through me and behind me." Words to live by to be sure. I try. I try and get no where. Damned! I hate to fail! At anything. I would like to look at me in the mirror and see jsut a wonderful person. Mabey some problem areas to work on because if you know you look good anyone tends not to be a good person. I am self confident. Hell, I prolly soak up most of the self confidence on the planet. Even when I was bigger I had self confidence. I can get away with anything I put my mind to.
Mr. Dark has been jsut fabulous in this. He tells me every day how wonderful he thinks I am and how he thinks I look fabulous. And lately I have been trying to believe him. Everyone has a right to see what they want. Including me. But that's the problem, I don't want to see fat any more. I am tierd of a race I will never win. No matter how thin I get I'll never win it. I know this. There's always going to be fat somewhere, especially now that I am getting older. I know it's only going to get worse too.
I hope that one day, I can know that I am not fat. It might take getting help but one day I hope to look and see beauty. And that's the kicker, I hope.