And I still can't spell it.
Like the title said, I had a hysterectomy one year ago. At the age of 23 I gave up any chance of having another child instead of trying to fight the cancer that was in my body bit by bit. Today is a mile stone in my life. There's really no way to explain what I am feeling. It was my choice. I could have chosen to try to fight little by little and mabey one day be able to have another child. I chose the "OH HELL NO!" road and now I'm "celebrateing" (for lack of a better word) the day that I went in for surgery.
I'm a much diffrent person now. I'm doing better things with my life and have a better rough idea where I want things to go. Now, a year ago there was really nowhere I was going and nowhere I thought I'd ever be. But after one complete emotional breakdown and an angel in the shape of a very grumpy mexican changed all that and now I have a real chance at makeing something of myself and finally getting out of all the hell that I thought I'd always live in and to put it frankly accepted.
I had wanted no better than to just scrape by. There was no real goal in my life even though I could talk up big dreams. Oh yea. I was going to be a tattoo artist. Just waiting for it all to fall into my lap. Waiting for the right person to come along and teach me. That was it. Yeeeeaaaaaaaaa RIGHT! Nope I was sitting on my ass pretending that one day it might actually fall into my lap. It's what I wanted to do and I was waiting. At the age of 24 I was just waiting for someone to see that I had it in me and have them offer me. Oh, the simple arrogance of it all. The lazyness. Truely that's all it was.
Then one day I'm in the worst shape of my life and about ready to give up on everything, including life and someone makes an offer. Someone asks me. The day that once again saved my life. The day that I became a human being. The day my whole world changed. On that day all my arrogance and lazyness could find no excuse. Suddenly, the world made sence and I could see a future. I was finally ready to be molded. I was finally ready to learn.
Looking back on this now it all makes sence. I would have been the very person I hate right now. I would be that poor smuck who is apperenticing with me. I would be Bryan. This not only gave me a way out and something to do. It saved my life. With that said, the choice I made that day a year ago took on a new meaning. I can look at it and say yes it was for the best. Even with it being my choice. It was for the best.
If that's true then why do I feel like I'm mourning something. Why do I feel so wrapped up in the fact that this is lost to me? Is it because one of best friends just had a baby? Is it because I can finally say to my child "Your Mommy is somebody." now? I'm not sure on any of these questions.
I am somebody. Tattoo artist live a rock star life. Mabey not as well known but still a rock star life. Chicks or guys dig you, you have money, and if you're any good what so ever, you have a following that can last decades. I've seen all these things. People look up to you. Everyone invites you to parties, Bar's let you in like your a king. Oh yea! It's not good for the ego to be a tattoo artist. You end up with too much ego and no artist. There's so much involved that can take you away from your true center. Remember to HOLD FAST to what you are and not who others think you should be.
One day i hope to open a runaway shelter for teens. They will be the kids I always wanted and never will have. But that's been my dream since I was a teen. Now I hold to it like it's a life raft and I'm going to drown. One day.........! God that's all anyone needs to make them so depressed they'll never get out of bed. But at the same time that's all that gives us hope to keep going. Without that we'd never get out of bed. Kinda that damned catch 22. Which one will win out today??? That's the key. Live every day one breath at a time, one minute, one moment. There's no real secret to life but life. Remember why your alive, even with the choices that are good one year and bad the next.
Most big things you can't change once they've happend. There's very few big things you can say okay I've had enough I want it to go back the way it was. Make sure you really want what you're going to get because you might be sitting alone one year after the choice at a computer writing to no one and everyone what's in your soul because there's no one that will truely understand why this is soo important in your life. Why this makes you so moody and is such a big deal.
There's alot that happend to me this time last year, this being only one of the most important. I've prolly stuck all my feelings with this. Even so, it hurts and makes me happy and makes me think. After everything I've ever been through it's kinda funny that this would be such a big thing in my life.
I am so much more diffrent now, I am that better stronger person. I the best. At something. I am almost 25 and a size 5. I have one of the most beautiful boys on the planet. (God help him when he gets older.) I have a life worth living and I have a soul that needs repair but is no longer completely broken. I have a heart in the same fix as my soul. Most importantly, I have a God that loves me no matter what anyone says. I can walk down the street and hold my head high with no pretended confidence. I know for a fact that I can take care of myself and my child. I know so much more that I didn't even think was important.
God, Help me! See me through this. Let me wake up tomorrow with sunshine on my face and happiness in my heart. God, make me the best I can be. Get me off my ass where I've been the last couple of days and make me prove myself to myself. And God, Please, please, remember one day I'll grow up a little more. Each time, I get better God. Don't leave behind what you know will come back. Don't forget me.