But that makes it no less important to me.
My son is sleeping in the other room, quietly and beautifully. I'm re reading things I have put up on my blog and kinda hanging out enjoying the few minutes of quiet. Re-hashing my past and my anger twords my Father. My relationship with my husband and boyfriend. Just thinking and wondering.
I know that my life style and the things I do don't rate high with most people. And generally I'm okay. Actually I try really hard some times to make it that way. Only sometimes though. I tend most times to do it without thinking.
My husband, (we're seperated but not divorced yet), is my best friend. After four years of hell who could not be. Either we'd hate eachother or grow together. We grew together. Partially out of shear will to stay together no matter what and partially out of a fierce need to prove everyone wrong. In the end everyone was right in a way but way off in another way. I have a strong bonded love for him that no one can break. Even though we are not romantically involved any more I would die for him. As I would for my best friend.
He was the dream guy. Nice, sweet, good. And that's still my problem. He's a good guy. All around all american good guy. He was even in the military. He buys birthday gifts months in advance, remembers every hurt and sorrow. Is kind and thoughtful when PMS hits. And totally not for me.
From the moment we started dateing it was doomed to fail. He wasn't willing to give too much emotion and I'm an attention whore. I flirt and like big crowds. He "games" and would happy sitting at home almost every night. I had 10 billion "friends" he had close "family". And yet, now, I can't imagine my life without him. He keeps me going and takes care of me. He can put me in my place with a look and make me smile with one dorky sentence. He can gross me out and make me cry. He supports my dreams and I support his. We are the closest of friends. And I am still learning from him. And he from me. (not all of it bad either)
But with our wonderful friendship comes great hardships and sometimes complications. I have a boyfriend. Whom I care a great deal for. And amazingly enough they get along great!!!! YIKES!!!! Not that that's a bad thing. It's actually really cool but it wierds me out in a way.
Mr. Dark and I are still doing great. Better than ever. I miss him though! It's sooo hard being with someone who's so far away. I got spoiled for a month. I got to see him every week. Even if it was just for a few hours. Now I have my son and can't leave the country with him. I don't get to see Mr.Dark for two weeks and when i do get to see him it's only one night and most of that is taken up with Sin City. I am happy just for the chance to see him but even our phone convos are getting strained. He's not much of a phone person which you'd never guess with how much he's on the damned thing but never any one person for long.
God! I'd love jsut to be held and know that I'm wanted there. And jsut wanted for me. I miss bickering with him. I miss the way I look at him and he just breaks out into a huge grin. I miss the way he looks at me out of the corner of his eye when he's trying to be sly but still look at me. And yes, there are days I miss that awful hacking he does. YUCKYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT grosses me out! But even that would be a welcome sound at this point. It would mean he's near. And I would be happy.
One more week. That's all I have to make it through to see him. One more week. And this hard ass that bounces at bars for fun, well and the money, will once again turn into a girl and look great just to tease and see that lustful look. The dress and makeup will come out and that smile that he loves so much. That smile that's only for him. Almost like the kiss in Peter Pan.
I miss him!