Like the title says, it's late night and I'm on one of my insomnia trips. YAY! Once again staying awake for no good reason trying to figure out what I'm suppost to be awake for, there's always a reason with me.
These are the days I look back at my life and things that I have done and what's going on and try to learn and grow. Being about to turn 25 you'd think that I'd have at least a little of my life together. Not really! I mostly still feel like a lost teenager. The only thing I have going for me when it comes to things like that I can see is that I have tons and tons of self confidence. Not to be confused with arrogance. I am not arrogant in any way.
I've been through too much in my life to not be confident in things. I had two choices with my life, 1. Hide in a hole and be afraid of everything, or 2. Keep breathing, going strong and love every moment I live good or bad. Always learning. I chose the second.
I have been looking at my life and where I want to go alot lately. Mostly because I now have a definate direction. I love my work! Plain and simple. I bitch and moan sometimes but I love the work I do and I wouldn't give it up for the world. It's going to make me lots of money and I'll finally be able to pay my bills. I'll finally be able to keep myself above water. There's just no makeing up for that.
I'm listening to diffrent songs and cd's that I don't normally listen to and enjoying the diffrence in styles. Each new song brings up old memories and sad or happy it's good to just sit back and feel. I usually don't have the time to be alone and just feel without something or someone else clouding the way.
there's so many things going on with each song that it's impossible for me to type them all out. Every time a song changes I'm pulled to something new. There's so much in my head that I want to let out, to let people know and to teach and help. I've just been through too much. I've done so much. I'm not a saint, never will pretend to be either. But I know where certain roads lead, the only problem is while you're on them you won't listen to anyone. I never did. But that's kinda the point isn't it? That you'll make your own mistakes which are just everyone else's that came before you.
When you're in the middle of something stupid you don't look around and go "Wow! I really could have avoided this." . Usually it's "Oh god! Now how do I get out of this.". Well, at least that's how I am. It's only on nights or days like this that I'm look back and say "Yea! I learned something there.".
My one claim to fame that I can see is that I never make the same exact mistake twice. I can make similar mistakes but I always learn at least a little. It may take improveing several times before I get it right but eventually I do.
My ex-husband Will, made me a cd and recently I found it totally damaged. It's pretty obvious that someone did it on purpose and that really really pissed me off. I hate people messing with my cds. Tonight I managed to get most of the songs to play on the cd player. YAY! Something I haven't listen to in over a year. It's something very new to listen to. Interesting to listen to the love songs and devotion that are in the words. Some good memories come forward and some bad ones.
One that's kinda replaying lately (as in now and the last couple of days) has been of just sitting around the house hanging out doing almost nothing and just being un-explainably happy. Content beyond measure.
Then the flood of what happen to end things smacks right into that memory and oh yes I remember why we're not content any more.
Well, I think it's about time to stop this nonsence that I have been spewing out of my brain and try to get some real work done.