I spent the last three days dressing up like medevil times and getting flattered by men that in real life you'd never look twice at but for some reason..........., Everyone looks good in garb.
As usual I came home tired and hurting from camping and just generally partying all weekend. But that's a good kind of feeling. It means that it's over. And you have more memories to share.
And I have this one. I've known a man for some years and he has always been a sweet heart. Always happy to see me, always polite. He actually reminds me alot of my godfather. Who's a good friend to me. Anyway, I went and spent some time with him. And I got a whole lot more than I bargained for. When we were talking and hanging out he started talking about the first time we met and how beautiful he thought I was. Now when we firsdt met he thought that I was 18 and not the 16 I was so he got a rather harsh shock this weekend when he found out my real age.
Anyway, He started talking and just kept up a 15 minutes conversation about how he though I was the most beautiful person he'd ever met. With most girls I think this might have been a wonderful thing to hear. It's diffrent for me. I don't think that I am beautiful or even pretty most of the time. If you can even get me to admit that I am pretty it takes awhile and NO, I am not fishing for compliments.
It's that I don't have a typical face or look about me. I will never be the beautiful blond or the sexy brunette. I am Unique! And it's a place I have come to terms with. And now I rather enjoy it. Every little girl wants to be beautiful and none ever thinks I want to be the unique one. So when I figured out the beauty wasn't for me it took a long time for me to deal. I am better now and most of the time when people call me beautiful it makes me mad or even hurts. I feel like it's a joke and they're teasing me.
Unique, bizzarr, special, one of a kind, never copied,.........., these are things I know and can live with. But beautiful. Not me!
Well, after I had tried to convince him otherwise and told why that word makes me edgy. He jsut said that it made me sooo much better a person and that is why no matter what I will be beautiful. It's about at this time that the conversations got interputted, thank god. And I got to run away.
I had to think on this, Really Really think. Because, he wasn't my Boyfriend or was sleeping with me. In fact I have been really drunk with him and he never even tried to kiss me. This totally broke my head. I didn't know what to do. So I found the nearest tree and sat to think. And think and think. I thought my way through a pack of smokes and three hours.
Was there a possibility that I was what he said I was??? That's a possibility that I had never considered. I know every female and possibly most men have to deal with. There's no alterier motive that i can find and he's not even family. He wasn't even drunk. Which is another famous one I get.
I was thinking on this in my own way and I found that beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, therefore the words he spoke were not to hurt but to help and let him release his emotions. I always try to be respectful of people letting their emotions out. He thought it needed to be said after all this time.
Though I doubt I can ever think of myself as beautiful in the typical sence. Mabey I am beautiful like Me and no one else which is why I could never see it. Which is why I never took those words as anything more than motive to get somewhere else. Except from family, who loves you anyway.
I made a desicion in my thinking, I'm no longer going to say no, I'm not, I will say thank you and resepct what others think, even though it might mean that they are looking for other things. Because in some way mabey what they see, they find beautiful. Mabey one day I will see it too.
For now I am happy with unique (in my mind) and still my confidence will not lag. I know who I am. Sometimes I jsut get confused on the small details. As long as I keep trying, I know that one day I will live to be the Great person I always wanted to be. And mabey, jsut mabey, I might end up beauitful too.