It has been two days since everything has happend and all I can think of is grrrrrrrr! That's the only thing I have to say to my father. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!
He has chosen his whore over my little sister. He'll never know what a give he has lost. And amazingly enough.... the only adult so far in the situation that I can see is my little sister. She has done everything she can to change the situation without giving up her self respect.
What I want to know is why. Why would that man give this up for a person he doesn't even like living with? There are so many why's in my head. Why is he abusive now? Why? why? Why?
He didn't used to be like this. He was once a great Daddy. I remember my daddy the way he was. The way he was so wonderful and everyone wanted a Daddy like mine. Then about three months before he left my Mom he started to change. And change he did. He has now covered every form of abuse there is.
We have been dealing with the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse for years. So thinking about this we shouldn't be too surprised. But it hurts so much because we keep hopeing he's going to come back and turn back into the fabulous man that he was.
My Mom has been trying since he left for us not to talk shit about him. For us (all the kids) to keep trying to have a relationship and keep forgiving him. Now he has lost so much more than he understands. He has lost two daughters. And mabey a son......, we don't know because he hasn't heard yet. He's away right now.
There's one person (except my son) in my life that no one can harm around me without death following soon after. That I have defended against everyone. Even my Mom. This person is my little sister. No one should ever hurt such a wonderful person. She's bright and responcible. She's so kind and pure. There's no one like her on the planet. The compassion she has rivals anyone you can think of.
Anyway, There hasn't been a time when I haven't defended her. She's was the baby in the family. We've always had a special relationship. She was my best friend for awhile.
No one should ever mess with her around me. It jsut doesn't happen. I would walk through hell and hot coals just to keep her happy. And to see the look on her face and watch her cry ,eats me up. I just can't handle it.
I didn't even realalize how much this had effected me until yesterday when I chased down my Father's wife's van, screaming at her to pull the van over so I could kick her ass. Well, there was alot of swearing in there and the "C" word. Which has become my favorite word for her. That's better than she deserves but I have yet to find anything else that fits.
I'm too passionate about things. And I have a huge temper. Usually it flares up quick and goes quick unless it involves my little sister. I didn't even think when I started running. It just happened and after it was over I thought about it and at that moment I prolly wouldn't have stopped hitting her until someone pulled me off. I was so angry all at once, and it wasn't a thought, it was a reaction. There would have been nothing I could have done except call my Mom from jail and try to get bail. Would have been the first time I would have been locked up and I don't think I would have cared.
I can jsut see me in front of the judge. "I'm sorry sir but my Dad's Whore just had it coming. It's been coming for six years and well, I just snapped." For some reason I don't think it'll work.
I know this all sounds unreasonable and truely it prolly is, but this has been building for a long time. I have been trying since the day he left to be a good person and love my Dad no matter what. I have tried to get along with his Whore and not be too harsh and this is the last straw. There's nothing more I can do. I just have to let it go. But still I think about it again and my hands shake from the anger. No one disowns my sister and lives to tell about it.
HE just doesn't desserve her.
The worse part about it is, she's torn up about it. I mean I prolly would have been too. But she's actually really hurt by it and hates it. He doesn't deserve her emotions and yet she's giving them to him. And there's nothing I can do. I promised not to.
My little sister asked if I wouldn't do or say anything about the whole thing to him. Now, I couldn't promise that because if he comes over and starts whineing about the whole thing I would let him have every peice of shit he deserves. But I promised not to start anything.
In true fact, my Mom had to drive me home because she knew without a doubt that I would have "stopped" by my Dad's on the way home. At that point it was only his whore I was mad at. Then the next day my Dad got involved. Hurray for dysfunctional families. *waveing my little happy flag*
Well, all I can say to finish this is Grrrrrrrrr! Fucker doesn't deserve my little sister's pain or my anger for that matter, but truely he's getting both and at this point there's not much I can do about it. So for now, Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!