Never a happy thing but good for safe keeping.
Doubt is crowding out my head right now. Between my Father, who's oh so wonderful, *rolls eyes*, and Mr. Dark I have been placed in the center of doubt.
I think I'll start with my Father first. He decided to call me last night. After him and his wife disowned my little sister he's had no contact with me. I still just can't. I'm too angry. WEll, he called last night and I had my husband tell him I was sleeping. Not such a hard thing to believe but still I knew it was a lie. I think my Dad got the hint. He jsut left a message that he called and that he wanted me to call back. Usually he'd talk for hours if you let him.
I am firm in my feelings that he has royally messed up this time and until he talks to my little sister. Well, talks is too light, until he grovelles at my little sister's feet asking for the forgiveness he doesn't deserve I don't think I can be apart of his life.But since I am so mad I haven't told him yet and yes I am a bit of a coward. But not to face him, because I might forgive him again. I still remember all the good times and miss the person he was.
I am trying to get it through my head that he's not that person but it's difficult. I normally like only to think of the happy times.
Mr.Dark and I have been slowly settling down. Which is a good thing. We don't fight as much and things generally look good. Then what's the problem, right? Well, for one he lied to me, a couple of times now and even though I am letting it go, it still kinda hurts. The second is that he whines. And then when I tell him he's whineing he whine that no one really cares about what's going on in his life. It grates on my nerves and makes me want to shake the crap outa him.
I am trying to be understanding because it might be like my jokeing about the things bugging me. A way for him to deal. But grrrr! I don't think I have had one conversation with him where he isn't whiening about something or the world isn't falling apart. He always jumps to the worst possible scenerio and thinks that that's the way life works.
Like the other night I found out he had lied to me, of course I was pissed and said so. But then he automatically thinks that I'm leaving and never going to talk to him. I didn't even hint at that. I've since made the disition that next time anything like this happens he's going to get his wish but at that point I was jsut trying to let out my feelings and try to figure out where things went wrong. I am too happy in my life, which is considerably harder than his, for someone to drag me down this far every time I talk to them.
I'm one of those people who like to help and fix things for the people I love and that's okay. But when you whine to me and I try to help and all you do is whine about that, there's really no point for me to even care. If you're not going to help yourself and get over what ever is going on, then why should I care/!?!
Through all this, he is good to me. Better than most. He really cares about me, even if it's in his own screwed up way. I care about him the I doubt where this relationship will end up. And that's partially to my own issues with bad relationships. I know that to be fact.
For one reason, we've been dateing almost 6 months and he says he's in love with me and all i can say is that I love him. I do care a great deal about him, but "in" love is something I can't say. There was a point when i thought so though. It seems to me that the whole relationship is being lost in a sea of useless bullcrap. Like people talking crap and things like that. There's no damned point and I know it and it frustrates me.
The big picture of life is lost to me no matter how hard I try to see it and well, the men in my life are breaking down my resolve to keep going. I thought that women were the ones that were suppost to be all needy and comforted all the time. But no, it's the men. They need the women to make sure everything is fine so that they can worry over the little crap, but still feel manly.
I know that i will pull through this alright. I always do. The thing with my Father just has to work it's self out and I can't make him see what he's lost. The thing with Mr.Dark has to work out to, I jsut hope that I can be on the other side of it before too long. It grates on my nerves so badly. There's so many good things in life! Get a grip, suck it up and look around. Then breath deeply let it go and move on twords being possitive. Laugh at Irony and Rumors. Hell, start some yourself about yourself, those are the funniest when they finally get back to you.
*SIGH* These things will work out. They always do. And the conversations up ahead will be hard but at the same time. Things can always get better. They can always have one more bit of laughter put into them. I jsut need to keep perspective on what's truely important. And that's happiness, joy, and freedom. Everything else is to take those things away from you.