Thoughts on the book and life.
I have jsut read Where the heart is by Billie Letts and I loved it!!! I loved it in the special way that a book or song can touch your soul and you never truely know where that person who has never met you got your soul from. This book made me laugh out loud, cry for hours, get angry, and sigh in love.
Having seen the movie before I actually wasn't expecting to like the book that much. Just the way I am. But the writing style was wonderful and it just grabbed you and held on. Being a pregante 17 year old myself, at one time, I already had a soft spot for Novalee Nation. True to fact, I almost named one of my sons Americas. The movie put my head in a space it needed to be at the time and got me doing things about my life.
Now I am years older than when i saw the movie and on a whim I read the book. Just pulled it off my Mother's book shelf one day out of boredum. I usually get into book or music or even movies but this tore my heart out and made me look at the things you could never get in the movie.
As I read the last 10 or so chapters, my 6 year old son, Zxathian, pretended to read on the floor for quiet time. When I finished the book and looked up he was sleeping with the most beautiful little smile on his face. Being my "Americas", I bent down and kissed his little cheek tearing up and wondering how I got so lucky.
I'm not usually the girly crying sort but my heart is sleeping on my floor. Right under my chair. Curdled up in the blanket I knitted for him, looking like the angel I know is in there somewhere. Not the hellion I get durring the day time. Heh!
I am struggling right now to get bills paid and to get on my feet. That's nothing new for me. Living in the same spot for so long is. I've also held the same job for over a month now. I think that's prolly a record. (not really) And all I think of is that today my husband, Mother son and I hung out and cleaned my Mother's house and yard and had a wonderful time doing jsut that. WE're all worn out to the bone. But it's that good got something done tierd. We're looking forward to a day of clothes shopping tomorrow and the fun we'll have with the 4th of July on Monday.
There's nothing like family. Nothing in the world. And even with mine being so messed up right now there's this sence of togetherness with my Mom, little sister, son and husband. We've all been close. Yes that's the word I was looking for, Close. Even with our hectic, at best, scheduals and trying to say as much as we can while flying out the door or on the phone.
It's like my Mom and I calling eachother up when we've cooked a big dinner to see if they want to come over to have one or the other drop some by because we might be tierd or jsut not want to cook. It's sitting at the coffee table talking and drinking iced tea, getting up every few minutes or so to check on my son. Having my Husband work on the car and yard yelling for one reason or another at nothing at all then mumbling for the next hour on how much he hates whatever he's currently working on.
I know you can jsut picture it, even without pictures of us as people. I know that you can see it the same way I can feel the "close" thing that I can't quite put my finger on.
I remember being kid in a house of tons of kids. My Mom's best friend had kids that matched our ages perfectly. Well, except for my little sister but she never minded. She had enough attention for an army. Anyway, I remember coming in for one reason or another or spying on the Mother's. They were usually sitting at the dining table drinking coffee and talking about one thing or another. Never really getting worried when or another kid would run to interupt their conversation. There were jsut too many of us to care.
Today I sat with my Mother drinking iced tea instead of coffee and talking while Zxay ran around or interupted. We talked and worked and I realalized that even though this woman who had raised me was still my Mommy, she was now my equal. Even when there are days I don't feel any more adult than when I was ten putting on makeup for the first time I am now a grown woman. That thought came as a shock with fear and then pleasant happiness. I keep wondering when it happend.
I can name when I lost my innocence, virginity, had my first cigarette, drank my first real drink, smoked my first joint and got into my first real trouble. But I'll be damned to know when being an adult walked through my life. Or mabey all adults feel this way. Mabey it jsut never goes away or you get used to being an adult.
I am almost 25 now and still there are days I feel like I'm pretending. Actually when Novalee Nation said that in the book I understood and it endured me to the character so much more than ever. I got what she was saying and thinking. It had been something I had been trying to voice but never had the words. It's pretending to be adult.
There are lots of things I thank god for and one of them is my son. My excuse to go out and play. Because I have a wonderful excuse to play, gotta keep the kid happy.
As I jsut laid my son into his bed on the floor and he grabbed my leg until i had finished putting his blankets on him and said i loved him and that angels would protect him, he sleepily smiled and then rolled over letting go of leg grabbing his little worn out stuffed ducky, putting one hand behind his head and soflty saying, "Thank you for the angels". Oh my heart goes out and the smile that's on my face can compare to none other. But then again, there's none other like my little Zxathian.
"The child of my heart." That's what I call him. And there's no other truth to me. He's stepped on my heart, broke it and made it so huge I thought it wouldn't fit inside me any more. And he's only 6. I know I have many more years of my heart expanding and breaking, and I look forward to all of them. Because mabey one day my little blond ball of rabid energy will look at me and say "I love you Mom and I understand now.".