And God, I miss her! Bring her back!
Well, to put this plainly. Wendsday is gone. Now to explain. Wendsday is my bird. She was a present to me from my husband, even though she loved him the best. Humans can only think they own animals. Animals pick their owners. That's just the way of it.
I was getting everything ready for work when I opened the front door to leave and remembered my bird on my shoulder. I turned to put her in her cage and away she went. Out the door over the roof and into the sky. I searched, woke up my neighbors and they helped. All this at somewhere between 6:30am and 7:30am. Wendsday was gone at 7am. By 10:30am, when I had to go pick up my son, I had given up hope of finding her. Through tears and guilt, I went to get my son. Who was heartbroken as well. He helped me pick her out.
Not being a normal crier, (but I am pmsing right now), I went through most of the day bursting into tears. Finally my 6 year old. Love of my life that he is looked at me and asked "Mommy don't you think you should call Grandma?" That settled that for me and I started cleaning. I took apart her cage and cleaned up every peice of bird seed I could find. When I put everything in Will's room to "hide" it from my vision, I came unglued and bawled like a newborn baby. Thank everything that my son had gone outside to play!
Now weak from emotion, guilt and being up since 6am (which I hate and don't do very often) I had a 6 year old to take care of. No breaking down completely for me. I would have spent the day in bed bawling otherwise.
I just have to say. I know I know, over a bird. She was part of my life though. I sang to her and taught her to whistle certain tunes. I came in every time I left and told her about my day. She was apart of the family and I feel like my heart has been torn out. It's like getting a child kidnapped, I think.
THere's nothing I can do, except write. Everyone has offered comfort in their own way. Including an Ex I basically can't stand. He was very sad and kept saying he wished their was something he could do. I hung up on him. Too many years hearing that and believing it kept me from listening to it anymore. I have hit my emotional brick wall.
Between my boss, my granfather's failing health, my God father's "surprise" visit and life in general, this is all too much for right now. And I know this sounds an awful lot like whineing and in some small part it prolly is. But more than that, it's a way to make room for more. Because, in life, there's always one more thing that can happen and one more thing that's going to just kick your ass. That's not to say that life is all bad, because even though both are work, my Son and my Godfather are joyous events in my life. I haven't seen my Godfather in years and my son always knows when it's time to push Mommies buttons or not.
I miss my Bird! Stinking messy pain in my ass that she is. I miss her!!! Oh god how I miss her!!!!!!!!!!!! Even with my son, the house is sooo quiet without her. There's nothing in the world like listening to Wendsday "talk" to R2D2. Star Wars is her favorite movie. They whistle back and forth and it jsut makes me giggle. I leave it on for her when I leave sometimes. She gets all worked up and starts "dancing". I miss her!!!!!!!!!
The guilt is the worst. There's really nothing I can say other than it pulls at me. I know in my head that I shouldn't feel that way but i do. Seeing the look on everyones faces when they get told. Faces fall, Zxay cried, Will cried, I've been crying all day. There's really nothing more to say than, crap!, I feel damned guilty.
Two beers and several hours later I can finally write and think about it without brusting into a complete ball of tears. Even now when it's "safe" to cry because Zxay is in bed asleep, I think i am done.
Well, I think one more smoke and I'll wrap this up. to all those who have ever "lost" a pet that they loved as a child, I get it now and am sorry. If I have ever even thought bad about you, (which I don't know for sure but it sounds like me), I am sorry. The pain is real. The love is real. That part of your family might not be human but it's still family. All day, when I wasn't crying, I was listening for her. Thinking mabey I'd hear her in a tree. I know what she sounds like. I hope that she at least survived the day, and who knows, if she never comes back, she'll be with a nice family. She is hand fed. Mabey one day, way in the future I will try with another bird, I love her so much, she can never be replaced but mabey I can find another that fits in my family just as perfectly. Mabey..................!