Well, People want to know. They don't seem to understand so here it is. I am doing chapters because I can only handle so many bad memories at a time. It's too rough.
I born in Utah and spent most of my time there. I have alot of family there. I remember very little about growing up. Mostly flashes of what should have been a full memory, but I have blocked out certain things and it took others with it.
When I was five I used to spend the night at my grandma's. My uncle was mabey 13 then. It was on one of those nights that I was molested by him. I don't remember much so I can't tell much. I know it happend mostly because I have been told it has and when I could still remember I was in counsiling but that was a long time ago. I remember it like I was told I was born. It happend and yes I remember the after affects.
At 5 I knew what sex was. Not just flirting which I was born doing but sex. There was no more innocence when it came to that for me. I can remember other like my Uncle that I never told about but they never stayed long and it's only in passing that I remember.
When I was ten my parents moved in my Dad's business partner. Doug. I remember Doug clearly. He was my best friend. He gave me attention. Always, no matter what he was doing. In my family that was a big deal. We had a big family. I was born wanting attention. I remember Doug's jeep. He used to take me for rides and four wheel driving, he introduced me to going to coffee. He also had the best comedy routine at the church coffee house. He was my friend.
One happy night after going to Bear Lake he molested me in the car, right next to my father. The molestation had been going for a long time but right next to my Dad.........., Breaking point. My Father asked me that night what was going on with us and I tried to run away. Not that it did any good. Doug had been caught and I had let the secret out. I had betrayed my friend. The day before my birthday. Happy birthday to Me!!!!!
In between my Dad loseing it and my Mom's tears they called the cops and several friends for support. Durring their break down I went into my room and talked with my Sister. She was the one guiding light that night. We prayed together and she held me as I put the whole story onto her 14 year old chest. She cried silently and was the best big sister I could think of.
I always had a place in my heart of hearts for her after that. It wasn't until years and years later that I learned she felt inadiquit and guilty for not doing more that night. She made it so I could tell the police and she took my pain. That night she was my saving grace and guiding light. I don't think I could put into words what she did for me and I doubt I could ever explain to her that she needs not worry.
Well over the next few years we had a court case and Doug got 1 year in jail and 5 year probation. Yes, that's all for stealing the innocence of a young girl and breaking the hearts of an entire family. It tore our church into two and people jsut couldn't handle it.
After Doug got out of jail he started stalking me. Not that I had any clue until I realalised that we kept having to leave our favorite places and find somewhere else to hang out. Doug would already be there.
Writing this made me rememeber a night, not long after it all happend that my Dad was sleeping on the couch, I got up and was watching the tv he had left on. There was a knock on the door and I hid behind the couch. It was Doug coming home after coffee, my Dad told him to find somewhere else to sleep. I remember the look on my Dad's face. He was going to kill him. I think Doug got the hint and left.
Anyway, After that there was no controlling me. I had anger. So much anger. I found a friends parents down the street and they were everything that my family wasn't. Abusive, crude, drug addicts, alcoholics. They taught me alot.
Not long after Doug we lost the house we were living in an moved a few places, when we finally found a house. On Monroe Blvd. Gang centeral. Yes, there's a big gang problem in Utah. I remember listening to the shootings at night. It was there that I found freedom with drugs for the first time. It was there I found that alcohol and sex could take some of the anger. Dull that pain and make me feel tough. That's what I wanted to be. Tough.
I was no innocent any more but I was naive. Very much so. I had a picture in my head of the big bad world that I wanted to be a part of, and it was sooo romantic and wrong. God oh ever was it wrong!
I think that's a good place to stop this chapter. I think there'll be more and mabey this Sob Story will help someone. I hope. I laugh. And some days, I try to remember.