This last Sunday I had what I would consider to be a full on emotional break down. I know not what was the actual cause of it and I know not why it happend. I do know that all of a sudden I couldn't think, couldn't breath, I was spastic and aggresive. There's no way to really explain what I was going through that night.
I woke up the next day feeling hollow. I called around and got help. I found a wonderful woman to talk to. Who, amazingly enough, is within my tiny budget. Even now almost a week later I am still not to where I should be and that kinda scares me.
Everyday I thank god that my son wasn't around to watch me be like that. He was with a sitter and by the time I got home. Asleep for the bulk of the worst. The only thing he knows is that Mommy is having problems right now and they are not his fault. He has accepted this as a truth and is dealing well with others watching him. I am still around but can rarely find the strength in me to punish him or to play with him very long. Well, at least for the first two days. I am now shareing in alot of takeing care of my son. Including cooking all his meals.
I am trying. I know I sound like a weak idiot and having no physical sign of what's going on with me is hard for alot of people. It's easy to forget that I am weak and still get overwhlemed easily. I do have a good support system though. They have been wonderful.
I still wonder at what sent me through that mess. I have some ideas and I will talk them out. The key now is jsut to breath and remember that I can always take five minutes to calm down out side of the situation.
I have found it very hard to get my emotions back into order once they overcame me. Having never really had that problem before this is like all new things difficult to learn.
I am good at "stuffing" my emotions or not feeling them at all. When I was living on the street my nickname was "Stone" because I had a heart of stone. Nothing could faze me. I was the first into a fight, (never threw the first punch though), I was cold and could easily turn my back on a "friend". Now I am not proud of this, I know that it was unhealthy on so many levels. It's just a little glimps into what my general life has been like. I have turned my emotions off for so long that when they hit me, it's kinda like a tidal wave.
I have gotten better than the days on the street but still I am not anywhere near where I would think a normal person would be. I still have problems with letting my true emotions show. It jsut seems to exposeing to me to let it out.
Anger has always been the emotion I treasure the most because it's easily dealt with. But it is a secondary emotion and never really takes care of the problem. I want to be healthy. I want to take care os my problems and not have this happen again. It was one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I lost complete control. And getting it back has been a struggle. Mabey now I will respect that my emotions are a good thing even when they hurt.
I am now setting emotional and physical goals for myself. And no matter what, I have never broken a goal to myself. I have broken them to everyone else but I have this nack for makeing sure that I never break a goal to myself, no matter what. With help I can do everything. I'm not very good at asking for help, or crying for that matter and I am getting through 24 years of teaching myself how not to do either. But however slow, I can say progress has been made on both.
On the physical side of everything. I have gotten sick to my stomach almost everytime I have eaten. My face is gaunt, my eyes are hollow. I was having seizures due to stress. I am mostly tired and I forget things. It's very hard for me to think in a straight line or complete a thought without bursting into tears or feeling impossibly overwhelmed.
But I can wrote now. I can talk now. I can ask for help now and sometimes, cry. I am a strong person but with a life like mine I guess you can never really out run the pain, anger and insanity of it all.