But the worst isn't over yet, I can feel it.
Well, One more day down another million or so to go. I've been much better even though I had another smaller break down yesterday. But I managed to make my way through it without too much trouble. Thank God!
I have so many thoughts and feeling s in my body and I'm not sure how to put them down. They all want to come out at once and if i tried it'd prolly come out in such a mess no one but me could figure out what was really being said. But right now I think that that's okay. I am getting the help I need. Even though it's very hard for me.
I have something to look forward to today. I'm going to an SCA event later to hang out with some friends and just kinda let go. I need that. I think getting out of my inviroment might be a good thing. But I have a back up plan to get home if I should need to. Just in case I need to get home right then. I am so confused right now. Just trying things is hard for me.
I have made a goal to get my Tattoo gear by the end of this month and be tattooing by Dec. at the latest. Thank God for friends! I am having a b-day party early so that I can hopefully get some extra money to get my gear. Once that happens I can actually start learning and mabey make some money. YAY!!!
I know with emotional pain it always gets worse before it gets better and I'm worried that I won't make it through the next bout of pain, or the next one after that. It keeps getting harder and harder to live the pain. Once again, Thank God for help! Thank God i asked for help! Just Thank God I'm alive!! Because there have been points along this way where I didn't think I could live another minute, for nothing else than to just get rid of the pain. Suicide is not something I would want to do. Well, even wording it that way is wrong. The idea and want are something I fight against every minute they pop up. That's not the way I want to go. That's not something I want my son to have to live with. I would never want him to go through that. I can't even imagine what that would do to him. I don't think I could ever truely go through with it anymore but damned it looks so good sometimes. And those times are when I ask for help and people. Who really wants to admit that you're too big of a coward to keep living??? Not me that's for damned sure!
Thinking on suicide is just one of the old ways I used to deal with the pain. I even attempted it a few times. Truely attemped, not just calls for help. I never seemed to get it right though. Something always happened to stop me. Wasn't ment to die then I guess. Well, if not then then not now. My time will come when it comes. I know that I have to break this old pattern and I am trying. That's the help and the people. I would never have done that before.