My older sister....... what can I say other than perfect. But, let me give her a name first. Let's go with something beautiful and educated, let's go with Sam. Short for Samantha. And no that's not her real name. She knows who she is. To tell you about her I have to tell you about me. Like all complicated relationships. I am jealous, envious, and a coward. Sam (still not her real name. Heh) is beautiful educated and so thoughtful. She's shy and well built. She's strong and got a memory. ...

God, Save me! From myself. From bad taste and men. God, Save me! From my really bad poetry and self defeat. God, Save me! From faith, from no faith. God, Save me! From awful music and too much perfume. God, Save me! From stupid people and not enough love. God, Save me! From curiousity and drunken stupors. God, Save me! From demons and nightmares. God, SAVE ME! From unbelief and jadedness. God, Save me! From tears and emotion. God, Save me! From memories ...

Like the title said, I had a hysterectomy one year ago. At the age of 23 I gave up any chance of having another child instead of trying to fight the cancer that was in my body bit by bit. Today is a mile stone in my life. There's really no way to explain what I am feeling. It was my choice. I could have chosen to try to fight little by little and mabey one day be able to have another child. I chose the "OH HELL NO!" road and now I'm "celebrateing" (for lack of a better word) the day that I we...

Like the title says, it's late night and I'm on one of my insomnia trips. YAY! Once again staying awake for no good reason trying to figure out what I'm suppost to be awake for, there's always a reason with me. These are the days I look back at my life and things that I have done and what's going on and try to learn and grow. Being about to turn 25 you'd think that I'd have at least a little of my life together. Not really! I mostly still feel like a lost teenager. The only thing I have go...

Lover's wheels, Turning in an endless bliss. Seduction, What an easy game to play. Always looking for someone to take over the game. Or get taken in. On your toes or back, it's all the same. More fun to playwith lover's wheels. Turning in an endless bliss. High heels, High skirts. All these come off together. In a game of lover's wheels. Turning in an endless bliss. Whispers in the night, Caresses or poundings. Is the chorus of lover's wheels. Turning in an endless bliss. Red ...

Purple flames lick their lips, Bringing my dreams another flare. Streaming into my emotion like a rolling ocean. Remember my innocence??? I CAN'T! Throw the world a fucking bone and show yourself. Bleed not on the carpet of my soul and clean your room. My brain bitches in silent wondering. Confusing only me. A Godess appears, Wait.........., It's only a plastic actress. Ruining my self esteem. GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!!!!!!! Flash the screaming obscene signs. "Strip for me...

So broken this time, So twisted around. The barbed wire of responcibility. "Stand up!" They say. "Take it like a man!" Baby, No more tears, Forget. Your pain, your death, continue happy. Have some nightmares, Wake up perky. Betty fucking crocker couldn't be so good. Blindly stumble through, Your soul finding all the problems. Keep your mind on all the poeple you care about,\ Show no emotion over their pain. Be a zombie, Takeing it all like the bitch you are.

I am on my way to becoming one of the best tattoo artists in the world. I know this because I won't give up until I am. Simple fact is I am already one of the best apperentices in the business. One of the best my Teacher has ever seen. He's been doing this for 25 years and I'm one of the top three. He doesn't look at it like first,second, third, either, he looks at it like "They're all in first because they're all the best.". WOO HOO! Right??? Well.........., I'd have to say not so much. Yay...

Well, after years of trying I'm studying to become a tattoo artist under one of the best in the nation. YAY!!! Woo hoo! *doing the happy dance* I'm happy!! More happy than words can say. But wait, OH MY GOD!!!!! NOT THAT! Reality check! *BLAM* Okay now I have to pay out 5000 and spend every wakeing moment studying with no way to make any more money to stay alive. DAMNED! I always hated school! Remeber happy??? I really am happy! Sure. Yea that's it. Happy. Actually I am really happy. And ye...

Well, One more day down another million or so to go. I've been much better even though I had another smaller break down yesterday. But I managed to make my way through it without too much trouble. Thank God! I have so many thoughts and feeling s in my body and I'm not sure how to put them down. They all want to come out at once and if i tried it'd prolly come out in such a mess no one but me could figure out what was really being said. But right now I think that that's okay. I am getting th...

This last Sunday I had what I would consider to be a full on emotional break down. I know not what was the actual cause of it and I know not why it happend. I do know that all of a sudden I couldn't think, couldn't breath, I was spastic and aggresive. There's no way to really explain what I was going through that night. I woke up the next day feeling hollow. I called around and got help. I found a wonderful woman to talk to. Who, amazingly enough, is within my tiny budget. Even now almost a ...

One of my Favorite things to do three times a week is go over to my Mom's and watch Big Brother. My family gets pretty into whatever we're watching. We clap and shout, groan and cry. Yea, we're weird. We've been keeping really close tabs on this years Big Brother. When Kaysar, our favorite character, was voted off we were heart broken. Then we heard last week he might have the chance to come back. Woo hoo! Oh yea! It was America's choice. All of america got to vote on the net or a cell pho...

Every morning it's the same thing. Looking for what my kid did wrong in the time it takes for me to wake up. Not that I sleep in until noon or anything. Most days not even an hour after he gets up. He knows the rules and will tell them to you. But every morning, even if I have only been sleeping ten minutes passed what he did. There's something that he has gotten into or broken or something. I've tried everything from trying to wake up before he does to takeing every possible thing he cou...

My son is sleeping in the other room, quietly and beautifully. I'm re reading things I have put up on my blog and kinda hanging out enjoying the few minutes of quiet. Re-hashing my past and my anger twords my Father. My relationship with my husband and boyfriend. Just thinking and wondering. I know that my life style and the things I do don't rate high with most people. And generally I'm okay. Actually I try really hard some times to make it that way. Only sometimes though. I tend most time...

Well let's see, where did I leave off? Oh yes gang central and sex and drugs. I remember now........, Good place to start. I had forgotten to state that most of the time I was a happy child and yes I was happy in my family. I am a middle child and true to form I have middle child syndrom. To a fault! I am the "black sheep" and have a temper that can call down the fires of hell if I want. With the lungs of a singing swimmer I can yell over two blocks easy and there's no one better than me a...