Like the title says, it's late night and I'm on one of my insomnia trips. YAY! Once again staying awake for no good reason trying to figure out what I'm suppost to be awake for, there's always a reason with me. These are the days I look back at my life and things that I have done and what's going on and try to learn and grow. Being about to turn 25 you'd think that I'd have at least a little of my life together. Not really! I mostly still feel like a lost teenager. The only thing I have go...

Purple flames lick their lips, Bringing my dreams another flare. Streaming into my emotion like a rolling ocean. Remember my innocence??? I CAN'T! Throw the world a fucking bone and show yourself. Bleed not on the carpet of my soul and clean your room. My brain bitches in silent wondering. Confusing only me. A Godess appears, Wait.........., It's only a plastic actress. Ruining my self esteem. GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!!!!!!! Flash the screaming obscene signs. "Strip for me...

So broken this time, So twisted around. The barbed wire of responcibility. "Stand up!" They say. "Take it like a man!" Baby, No more tears, Forget. Your pain, your death, continue happy. Have some nightmares, Wake up perky. Betty fucking crocker couldn't be so good. Blindly stumble through, Your soul finding all the problems. Keep your mind on all the poeple you care about,\ Show no emotion over their pain. Be a zombie, Takeing it all like the bitch you are.

Well, after years of trying I'm studying to become a tattoo artist under one of the best in the nation. YAY!!! Woo hoo! *doing the happy dance* I'm happy!! More happy than words can say. But wait, OH MY GOD!!!!! NOT THAT! Reality check! *BLAM* Okay now I have to pay out 5000 and spend every wakeing moment studying with no way to make any more money to stay alive. DAMNED! I always hated school! Remeber happy??? I really am happy! Sure. Yea that's it. Happy. Actually I am really happy. And ye...

Well, One more day down another million or so to go. I've been much better even though I had another smaller break down yesterday. But I managed to make my way through it without too much trouble. Thank God! I have so many thoughts and feeling s in my body and I'm not sure how to put them down. They all want to come out at once and if i tried it'd prolly come out in such a mess no one but me could figure out what was really being said. But right now I think that that's okay. I am getting th...

This last Sunday I had what I would consider to be a full on emotional break down. I know not what was the actual cause of it and I know not why it happend. I do know that all of a sudden I couldn't think, couldn't breath, I was spastic and aggresive. There's no way to really explain what I was going through that night. I woke up the next day feeling hollow. I called around and got help. I found a wonderful woman to talk to. Who, amazingly enough, is within my tiny budget. Even now almost a ...

My son is sleeping in the other room, quietly and beautifully. I'm re reading things I have put up on my blog and kinda hanging out enjoying the few minutes of quiet. Re-hashing my past and my anger twords my Father. My relationship with my husband and boyfriend. Just thinking and wondering. I know that my life style and the things I do don't rate high with most people. And generally I'm okay. Actually I try really hard some times to make it that way. Only sometimes though. I tend most time...

Well, People want to know. They don't seem to understand so here it is. I am doing chapters because I can only handle so many bad memories at a time. It's too rough. I born in Utah and spent most of my time there. I have alot of family there. I remember very little about growing up. Mostly flashes of what should have been a full memory, but I have blocked out certain things and it took others with it. When I was five I used to spend the night at my grandma's. My uncle was mabey 13 then....

Oh! Can you feel it?? The antisipantion? For sulfure, blankets, bright lights and children screaming in races through the multi colored quilt on the ground. It's that time again. For fireworks and bar-b-ques. For family coming together and parades. Yesterday my husband and I were helping a man push his broken down car through our small town where the speed limit is 25mph. A bunch of cars were driving too fast and one came close to my son and I as we were walking back to our car. Me in my ...

I have jsut read Where the heart is by Billie Letts and I loved it!!! I loved it in the special way that a book or song can touch your soul and you never truely know where that person who has never met you got your soul from. This book made me laugh out loud, cry for hours, get angry, and sigh in love. Having seen the movie before I actually wasn't expecting to like the book that much. Just the way I am. But the writing style was wonderful and it just grabbed you and held on. Being a pregan...

I'm not saying that anyones life has been lessend by the thing i have been saying or that i hate everyone. I hate hardly anyone. I know what love is and think that if you love someone, anyone, you can't truely hate. That might jsut be me. I know what kind of life I have had and part of it, a big part, has been my own stupid doing. Now with health problems and other things that I can't or couldn't control it's been even harder and if I had to do it over again..................., I doubt I wo...

Yay! Once more I am up for work. There's just a slight change today. It's 6 in the bloody morning! 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARG!!!! People actually wake up this early. I was shocked and think it should be outlawed! There's no reason anyone should be getting up this early. Going to bed at this time is diffrent but wakeing up......., HELL NO! Being a night person I see no reason for anyone to have to wake up this early, there's plenty more day left and then there's always night time. Besides, if peop...

It has been two days since everything has happend and all I can think of is grrrrrrrr! That's the only thing I have to say to my father. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! He has chosen his whore over my little sister. He'll never know what a give he has lost. And amazingly enough.... the only adult so far in the situation that I can see is my little sister. She has done everything she can to change the situation without giving up her self respect. What I want to know is why. Why would that man give this ...

I am not old by any means. I am also not as young as I once was. And with that I have lived a harder life than most. And not near as hard as others. I was thinking of being younger and all the things I used to do. Like not having an embaressment button at all. Building blanket forts in the living room or dining room. Playing pretend with my friends and having adventures every day. Those things are wonder-full. Most of this is based on a book that's just great reading. Called "Good Omens"....

God, Save me! From myself. From bad taste and men. God, Save me! From my really bad poetry and self defeat. God, Save me! From faith, from no faith. God, Save me! From awful music and too much perfume. God, Save me! From stupid people and not enough love. God, Save me! From curiousity and drunken stupors. God, Save me! From demons and nightmares. God, SAVE ME! From unbelief and jadedness. God, Save me! From tears and emotion. God, Save me! From memories ...